It’s mid-October. It’s Austin, Texas. It’s humid. I’m not trying to say it isn’t humid elsewhere. I am definitely saying it’s humid here. But how humid is it really? Sure, I can say “93%” (which is what it was this morning), but what we need is a real way –an objective way– to describe the humidity. So instead of arbitrary numbers (shut up, scientists!) I submit to you, the A Mike’s Life humidity scale.

Note: This only applies when the humidity becomes noticeable. No one cares about humidity on a beautiful Fall day when the air is crisp and you’re wearing your LL Bean vest.

Snorkelfest aka Straw-sucker – You walk outside and feel like you’re breathing through a straw. It”s noticeable enough that you’re uncomfortable but not bad enough to use as an excuse to stay inside.

Bat Face – You step out the door and WHAM! You just got in the face with a baseball bat. It’s unavoidable. You can’t duck, sidestep, or avoid it in any way. You just have to take it and like it.

Bus Stop – More severe than getting hit with a baseball bat, this is similar to getting hit by a bus. Like a Greyhound. In the face. Look both ways all you want;

you’re still getting hit by the bus.

Swimming Pool – Perhaps not as overtly violent, the swimming pool level of humidity is the most dangerous. Much like the snorkel / straw, you feel like you’re underwater, but without the benefit of any air at all. At this point you should just go back to bed.

I apologize for the technical terminology used in this post, but I have standards to maintain and expect my readers to keep up. Any other ratings I may have missed? I considered the Gut Punch as another intermediate level.

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p>Happy Breathing.